When one person in a family has a chronic illness, everyone in the family may need to change. That’s the bad news. The good news is that these changes can bring better health and closer relationships to the whole family. While illness can put strains on a family, helping each other self-manage can strengthen it.

The best way is to work as a team. Some things can be done only by the patient, but other tasks (such as buying healthy food or doing housework) can be divided up. The person with illness should have as much control as possible, but family members’ needs also have to be considered.

If family members act like police, constantly saying things like “take your medicines,” or “are you sure you should eat that?” the patient is likely to resist and purposely not do what the family wants.

Often the emotional challenges of illness are the hardest. Chronic illness can bring feelings of anger, fear, grief, and frustration. Emotional changes may be unpredictable and stressful for the ill person and for those who love them.  

Here are some dos and don’ts in helping family members manage their conditions.

DO offer to do things with them – like exercising, accompanying them to doctors’ appointments, or going with them to support groups.

DO take care of yourself – model healthy behaviors, don’t wear yourself out. Don’t give up your own life and wind up resenting your family member.

DON’T try to do everything for them or treat them like children.

DON’T assume you know what the person needs. Ask them. Make a mutual plan for self-management.

DO make them aware of resources and information you find, but let them decide what to do with this information.

DON’T tempt them with things they shouldn’t have. If a family member is trying to lose weight, you may need to find some place to keep the cookies where he or she won’t find them.

DO communicate how you feel without blaming or lecturing. Many families benefit from counseling to help them communicate better.

DON’T insist that they do things with you (like play a game or go out to eat), but don’t stop asking them if they want to be included. Some days they may feel up to a shopping trip; other days they won’t.

DON’T assume that all the patient’s or family’s behaviors are due to the illness. All the other problems of life keep going after diagnosis. Talk about problems and work them out.

Keep reading for more keys to working with your family member to self-manage.